Finally, She Chose Herself

The voices were so loud that she couldn’t act deaf anymore. She wished life would just pause for a minute to recollect herself. She wished she’d vanish from the face of this unfair world, but that didn’t happen. The voices got so ear-piercing, so clear, that she had to wake up. Wake up from her deep siesta.

She remembers waking up and sitting on the edge of her bed, her body shivering, tears rolling down her cheeks, her speech impaired as if she had not said a word since birth; she couldn’t utter a word. She cried so loudly yet so quietly, squeezing her face on the pillow, not knowing what it was she felt, and all she wished for was rest! Rest from the silent inner chaos she was fighting. Rest from the stressful and hurtful nights she had gone through; rest from everything nerve-wracking.

For a minute there, she did some introspection. She remembered the times she’d just go to the washroom, not to defecate, but to cry and walk out as if nothing happened, and he was still there. He didn’t care; he didn’t ask if she was okay. That cut her deep.

She remembered the times she visited but felt unwelcome. The times she wasn’t okay but still asked if he was okay. The nights she’d spent crying and questioning her worth, her value. The times she put him first but was put last. She couldn’t breathe. It was too much. Too much to take in.

It was as if she’d woken up from captivity; all she knew was trauma, toxicity, and insecurities. She remembered the times she was treated like an option but treated him like royalty. She snapped from her slumber and could now see everything crystal clear. The cards were all laid on the table, at least from the start, but she was too in love to see. Or maybe she subconsciously painted the flags green because it was supposed to work for her. It had to.

She remembers making that call, the call that changed her life, and her fate forever, all thanks to her anonymous friends who fueled her to take a sip of reality without sugarcoating. This time around, she was done! Done putting him first. Done betraying herself. Done walking on eggshells. Done being taken for granted. Done crying late at night and reading between the lines. Done stooping low just to be with him. She was ultimately over it and knew it this time, at least if not before.

She knew she wanted to quit but didn’t know how or when. She was so afraid to cut ties, to let him go. She couldn’t fathom leaving the person she saw as a best friend, a teammate, a lover, so she told herself. But one thing she didn’t know was that she could do it. She was strong enough to do it; let him go. Albeit she knew she was hurting, and though she might not have known how to call it quits, she knew her ‘why.’

She knew why she had to pull the trigger. It was now or never. For once, she wanted to be a free happy bird. So she did it! She gathered the courage and called him, her heart in her throat, eyes watery and puffy, hands shaking, and body covered with goosebumps.

She wasn’t calling to make amends or have the “can we talk” convo. Naah! She called to hear one last time if he cared. If he cared about what they had, about her, about how things were gonna be. She wasn’t shocked to hear, not even in his voice, that he didn’t really care as profoundly as she did.

Right there, she knew that was it. That chapter was officially closed. She was done and dusted. Without a shadow of a doubt, she was out! She finally did it. She chose herself, her happiness, her career, and her freedom. Above all, she chose her peace. Rumors have it that she’s been happy, at peace, free, and back on her two feet after a long time taken to heal.

She’s been through hell and back, but she’s never stopped believing that good and genuine souls still exist. She can now smile because she knows her worth, what she deserves, and what she brings to the table. She didn’t have it easy, but she can attest that it gets better with time. It surely does!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *